Plans 

 

The shower was running for ages. She stayed under the hot water, unable to control her panic. What was she going to do? The pregnancy test lay on the floor, a constant reminder that she needed to think of something, right now. How was she going to handle a baby in her situation? No savings, nobody to rely on, fuck and forget relationships, shitty job. 

Oh, come on! It was a baby. That was just wonderful. She touched protectively her belly. 

“We gonna make it, I can handle it, everything’s going to be alright.”

A wave of strength and decisiveness ran through her. Easy, step by step, meeting the challenges as they come, that was the plan. Karen put quickly some clothes on. 

She was meeting Tara for a coffee, maybe her best friend would have some suggestions about how best to handle this. 

Her friend was waiting in front of Fisketorvet, the huge mall had little cafes with tables by the atrium and the two girls were finding it charming to look at the fishes in the little pools there. 

“I am pregnant.”

“Dear God. What are you gonna do?”

“I am keeping it. I think it is the best news for ages.”

“You must get benefits, you will be entitled, otherwise you’ll be struggling. I’ll find the address…Childcare, who is going to help you…”

“Ok, ok…”

It was so amazing. She was eating some cake, and all she could think of was that she was nurturing a little human being inside of her. 

“You must visit your doctor, at once, as well.”

“True.”

“Well, congratulations.”

Tara did not look sincere. All the worries Karen ignored, were written on her friend’s face. She was always on and on about Karen starting a more healthy lifestyle, stopping smoking, cutting the junk food, all you eat is takeaways from 7/11, going jogging, too much coffee. Karen was the last person on earth ready to be a mother, as much as she fancied the idea. 

Later, Karen arranged to visit her doctor the next morning and find out where to inquire about the benefits. The panic gave place to a blissful feeling of complete and utter happiness. She lit up no less than a thousand candles and listened to peaceful music; work, money, men, she could not care less. It was just her and that little person depending on her mind and body. 

Over the next few weeks the fatigue accumulated exponentially. She reached the social services after three hours of marching the streets of the area, until she found the building, only to hear “Ok. No problem.” The work was killing her. Heavy buckets with water for the floors of the school she was cleaning, long hours. Her doctor appeared unbearably condescending. “You need to tell the father!” Karen was hesitant. Why shock a man who was never indicating he has serious intentions about her. Anyway, she fulfilled this duty. His reaction surprised her. He was a tough, rugged man, but now he smiled warmly at her and hugged her. “A child! It is going to be beautiful!” She knew he finds her attractive and indeed she was a looker: long brown hair, a gorgeous face with an exotic touch. She still needed to talk to her parents and that was her last worry. She was just entering the eighth week of her pregnancy. 

Karen finished work at about six o’clock and prepared for a quiet evening at home. There were many things on her mind. The echograph, when she saw the tiny creature inside of her, she burst into tears, she already loved that child from the bottom of her heart. How she longed to cuddle and breastfeed, dress it and go outside with pram. Few more months, till these happy moments. There was even a chance for a decent relationship with the child’s father. He declared he was not going to leave her to deal alone with all this. 

She felt a slight spasm. When she returned from the bathroom, her face was white as flour. She was bleeding. Not much. But right now, at this moment, she felt it was not meant to be. There was not going to be a little human growing up under her wing. Dark despair grabbed her heart but she found the strength to pick up the phone. The doctors advised her to keep calm and lay down as much as she could. They booked an appointment for the echograph first thing in the morning. She stayed as still as she could in the bed, but every gush of blood was tearing up her heart. She just stood there in bed, hoping that this nightmare will pass. But in the morning she needed to go to the hospital. It was not possible to avoid any movement. 

She hated everything the next morning. The shaky bus, the long wait in the hospital, every little nuisance. The echograph was beeping quietly. 

“The fetus has detached a bit, but it can be alright if you rest a lot.” Looked at her the doctor with compassion. Karen took the matter seriously and made herself unavailable to everybody. She was spending hours in bed, but every time she went up to go to the toilet, there was new bleeding. Her food supply was disappearing slowly and she had to go to the shop, another unwanted activity. 

So the week passed in trembling over the unborn. But Sunday evening the bleeding was stronger than ever and she called for an emergency. 

“Looks like you are losing the baby.” Slowly pronounced the sentence to the medic at the other end of the phone. And he urged her to go to a hospital. 

It was so unfair. She never asked to be pregnant, to begin with. Why was this all happening when she felt the attachment and the joy of having a little one in your life. All her instincts were awakened and were making the loss ever so painful, while she was fighting her helplessness when she would give anything to save her child. 

“Why, what could be the reason for the miscarriage?” asked she a frowning elderly nurse. 

“It is just God’s will.” She replied mildly. 

That Monday she lost the baby. The physical pain she handled, but she wondered if she will ever get over the disappointment and heartache. She couldn’t stop blaming herself. She should have taken it easy, with the job, with stress, and the cigarettes. She could not stand cigarettes anymore, she hated it, oh, why was she smoking so much before getting pregnant. Pictures of the echograph with her baby were haunting her and she was crying all the time, heavy waves of guilt knocking her down constantly. Tara came to visit her. 

“You’ll get over it. I am sure God has big plans for you, this is just going to make you stronger.”

Karen remembered the words of the nurse. 

“God. Don’t talk about him and his plans. I HATE God.”

It was going to take years for Karen to forgive herself, Tara thought.